Virgo (virgo186) wrote,

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Entry 576

Fair skies but rather chilly today. Usual early spring weather.

A lot of time has passed since the last entry--I did pay off my game, and I've been enjoying it. It feels good to be doing so well for my first real time playing anything in the series.

Work proceeds as usual, a couple days (or so) a week. Pulled some early shifts lately, but those weren't too bad. Plus, I usually take a long nap after work anyway, so I caught up on sleep then.

Wrote more on the 'rewrite' here and there, will probably add more to it tonight if I feel inspired. Raine got to catch up on it Thursday night, when I treated her to a dinner run. It's rather fun when it's just us, since we rarely get to spend time alone.

I found out from Lynn earlier today that she did the same last night, only her outing was much longer--getting picked up from work, running errands together, then dinner.

Part of me knows that it's fun when we each get alone time, but the other part wishes my turn could've been longer like that. Of course, then it just brings up all my old issues, still unresolved for the most part. I feel like I get wound up over the little things, the petty stuff that really shouldn't bother me and things I should've been done with long ago, but...

I admit, I have issues. I'm trying to work through them, to overcome them, but sometimes I just slide back and feel miserable all over again. It doesn't seem to take much to bring it up, either--even tiny events like the ones listed above seem to just make me feel like I'm not as interesting.

I still feel like the odd one out. Lynn has always been closer--in emotions and in location, she's always been able to walk to Raine's somehow and spend time with her (though, as mom says, perhaps not always wanted by Raine herself), where I came into the group late, have always lived over here on the east side, and need to take the bus or walk quite a distance to even get downtown. Even with Raine living across the bridge, Lynn can still walk there--she's right in downtown, it's not much further and she even walks to work now that her job moved her across the bridge instead of two towns up (her original store was a 15-minute ride up the interstate, she's been officially transferred to this closer one).

Perhaps I'm just being silly over the whole thing, but I do still have moments where I'm not quite sure if I'm interesting enough. Lynn can do the "oh hey, let's go do something exciting" random stuff, but if I try it, I'm always worrying about getting in trouble or what could go wrong, or how we'd need to come up with backup plans just in case. Part of me wishes I could be as daring sometimes.

Of course, then I see how often she gets scolded or outright yelled at by Raine for being an annoyance, and I'm lucky for not being so impulsive. Raine gets roped into so many things, and I see how stressed she gets--so I try not to make myself a burden. My schedule doesn't align with hers as much as Lynn's does, in work and in life. I accept that.

I still feel like an outsider at times, and I know I have to get over it. It's just taking a while.

There will probably be another update later, possibly starting up a regular posting schedule again (maybe), but for now, we have this. I'm not annoyed at anyone--just myself.

I think I need to work harder towards my goal of peace.

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