Virgo (virgo186) wrote,
Virgo
virgo186

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Entry 552

Some summer we've had. Rained on the solstice, which is never a good sign. We've had maybe two 'nice days' among all the rainy ones, and it's raining again today. The stores are winding down on summer--the back to school signs are coming. In the world of retail, summer doesn't last as long.

Oh well. Still hoping to do something for the 4th, weather (and local schedules) permitting. Family will aim for grilling as usual, and for the rest...well, it's up to the tribemates if they can find time for the fireworks.

Besides, we have sparklers. Those are fun, aren't they? :)

I know it's been over a month since last post, but there's been a lot going on both in life and in my head, so it took me until today to even think of something. I guess the weather does a lot to wear people down.

I wind up distracting myself from life a lot by spending time on the computer. In a way, I suppose, I hide myself online with people who don't know the true me. Of course, then I look at the icon I used for this post--and realize that if I hide myself, people don't like me for me, they like the false version.

So I'm going to work on that. Even if it winds up being harder, I want to be me.

Of course, I deal with enough stress offline. I've spent time with Lynn, sure, but I miss spending time with Raine, or both of them together. It always seems like something comes up at the last minute, and then I don't hear the news until the next day or so. I get so excited that I waste the day waiting for a call that never comes.

For example, this weekend (Friday, in fact), we had talked about getting together that day (discussed earlier in the week over lunch) and it seemed like it would really happen. I waited by my phone for the call that hey, she was on her way.

I called Lynn at noon to see if we were still on, and she said she would call me back.

Left a voicemail for Raine about three, left a voicemail for Lynn a few minutes after.

Turned out that indeed, something had come up but nobody had called me to let me know. I don't even know what happened, just that we weren't meeting after all and I waited until evening to get the news.

I feel silly for getting my hopes up about things, and I told Lynn to please not leave me hanging all day--if something changes, to let me know early enough. I then felt ridiculous for wasting my entire day.

Maybe I have some issues to work out. I've had issues since I was little--I've never really had friends that were as close as they are, or as long as they've been friends. I admit, I'm wishing I had that bond.

I also know there's a chance that Raine will see this, if she even reads LJ anymore (with her schedule, it's a wonder she gets sleep), and I'm not trying to make her and Lynn feel bad. If anything, this is me giving myself a pep talk combined with a verbal reality kick. That's possible, I think.

I'm not angry, I'm not depressed. I'm annoyed with myself for falling into these traps and upset that I keep winding up in the dark about things. I want to change this.

I suppose it just takes one step at a time, and the first step is admitting one has a problem.

My name is Virgo, I'll be 23 this year, and yes, I have friendship issues. Nice to meet you. :)

~Virgo
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